Parenting Styles: Navigating When You Don’t See Eye To Eye
Hey everyone! Let’s face it—parenting is challenging. We have our questions, and there’s no shortage of advice. There are so many different parenting styles—helicopter parents, hummingbird parents, tiger moms, snowplow parents, gentle parents—you name it. Somebody’s bound to have the right answers.
There is no perfect, one-size-fits-all parenting method.
But let’s cut to the chase: There is no perfect parenting method. Every parenting style has strengths and weaknesses. Helicopter parents try to control everything, causing anxiety and resentment. Tiger parenting’s intense focus on success can neglect a child’s happiness. Snowplow parents prevent their kids from growing through challenges.
Here’s the thing: there is no one-size-fits-all perfect approach to parenting.
Dan Allender said something funny and wise: “It doesn’t matter what parenting style you use—you will inevitably screw up your kids. As soon as they’re born, we might as well apologize to them immediately.”
“It doesn’t matter what parenting style you use—you will inevitably screw up your kids. As soon as they’re born, we might as well apologize to them immediately.”
His point isn’t that parenting is hopeless, so don’t try, but that there is no perfect parent or parenting style.
For some of you, that’s freeing. But for others, that’s not so reassuring.
Deep down, we want a perfect method. Many of us, especially moms, worry that if we mess up, we’ll mess up our kids for life.
Deep down, we want a perfect method. Many of us, especially moms, worry that if we mess up, we’ll mess up our kids for life.
So, we do our research and analyze the data. We stress over every detail—buying the right brand of baby food, getting the best-rated car seat, trying to avoid making big mistakes, and constantly showing love.
But what if we fail? What if we have a good plan but can’t follow through? What if our spouse has a different approach we don’t trust?
Navigating Parenting Differences
Let’s discuss parenting differences. Polly and I didn’t always agree; I’m guessing many of you can relate.
It’s natural to have differences! Husbands and wives have unique approaches to parenting because we all have different personalities, backgrounds, and experiences.
It’s natural to have differences! Husbands and wives have unique approaches to parenting because we all have different personalities, backgrounds, and experiences.
Some of these differences are small, and some are significant. One wipes down every germ; the other believes germs build up immunity. One values rules and consequences, clear expectations, and consistent discipline. The other is more concerned with validating their child’s feelings and the motivations behind their actions.
The better part of discernment is to discern the small things, and letting them slide shows maturity.
Question: Do you and your spouse (co-parent) have different approaches to parenting? What are they?
These differences emerge at the worst times—when nerves are raw and emotions run high. Suddenly, you’re not just in a battle with your child—you’re in one with your spouse. And if we’re driven by self-righteousness (“my way is best”) and fear (“your way will harm Jr.”), things can escalate fast.
Suddenly, you’re not just in a battle with your child—you’re in one with your spouse. And if we’re driven by self-righteousness (“my way is best”) and fear (“your way will harm Jr.”), things can escalate fast.
So, what works?
What should we do if we have two different parenting styles?
First, acknowledge this truth: There’s no perfect way to parent—not even yours. No one-size-fits-all solution works for every child in every situation. So, hold your way humbly. Realize that sometimes your way may be better, and sometimes your spouse’s way may be better.
Second, trust God’s grace more than you trust your parenting style or fear your spouse’s. Trust that God can work through your spouse—their personality, their relationship with their children, their strengths, and even their weaknesses and immaturities.
Trusting God allows you to extend grace toward each other.
Trusting God with our children allows us to parent from a place of peace.
Trusting God with our children allows us to parent from a place of peace.
Question: What do you appreciate about your spouse’s parenting style, even if it differs from yours?
Here’s a suggestion for moving forward together:
First, communicate! Have an honest, non-judgmental, and non-accusatory conversation about your parenting philosophies. Agree to be open and nonjudgmental, i.e., safe. Listen to each other’s hearts. Share your fears and hopes for your kids. Find common ground and build from there.
Question: How might you have this conversation without it flaring into hurt feelings or an argument?
This conversation can prevent disagreements from occurring before your children and forcing them to choose sides. Disagreements are natural, but they don’t have to divide you. Unity maintains our children’s peace and security. So, trust God, trust each other, and keep the lines of communication open.
Disagreements are natural, but they don’t have to divide you.
Second, turn to God’s Word together. Read His advice to parents in Proverbs 22, Ephesians 6, and Colossians 3. This is not just for your spouse but for each of you.
Reflect also on how God parents you. He watches over us but doesn’t keep us in bubble wrap. He lets us face challenges, offering wisdom and protection but giving us the freedom to make our own choices, even bad ones. And He’s always there to welcome us back with grace.
Godly parenting starts here: Focus on growing close to God, let His Word and Spirit guide you, rely on Him, and extend grace to one another as you imperfectly love and raise your kids.
Ultimately, here’s the best parenting strategy I can offer: Draw close to God together. Godly parenting starts here: Focus on growing close to God, let His Word and Spirit guide you, rely on Him, and extend grace to one another as you imperfectly love and raise your kids.